It's been awhile since I posted.
I haven't had any good meds for awhile now. Without them I simply cannot function. I need medical marijuana to live my life. If I don't have it things are bad. Very, very bad.
I am on my way to Southfield July 6th to get my papers signed for my card. I was supposed to go in June but money ran short and the water pump in the van took a dump. It devastated me to miss that appointment. There is nothing on this earth that is going to keep me from going to this next appointment, so if you happen to see a wild haired hippy chick on the side of the freeway thumbing it to Southfield that day...Please have some compassion and pick me up eh?
I have to share this too. The day before I missed my appointment our beloved dog Gizmo got out of the house. He had alzheimers pretty bad, and if he got past the fence he couldn't find his way back. we spent all of Sunday and Monday searching the city streets. We used craigslist to get the neighborhood involved and Tuesday night we got word that he was spotted by the on ramp to the freeway. He had been hit and had died. Gizmo was a member of our family for twelve years. It was horrible.
Later that week I had an appointment with my regular physician to go over the test results of my EMG. My other half has been frustrated for awhile watching me go to the Dr. over and over and nothing changes. So being the loud guy from Brooklyn, NY that I fell in love with he has called the office and spoke up on my behalf several times. When I am in a lot of pain I guess he speaks just a little louder than they would like.
The result... I was told if I felt they weren't doing a good enough job with my health, and if I wasn't happy, then maybe I should find a new Dr., and just like that, I was released.
Well Fuck !!
So I'm trying to find another Dr. I really don't want to talk about it right now.
So with all of that frustration going on along with not having good meds I have fallen apart. I have been yelling and screaming at anything that moves. My relationship may or may not be over at this point... Bless Chris for being strong when I am losing it. I am so mean to him and I can't help it. I don't mean it and he knows it but I am telling you that I am truly mentally ill and marijuana is the ONLY thing in this world that will calm me down enough to even be reasonable and rational. I get manic, and when I get manic I cannot think straight. My brain is not my own and the words and actions that I express are vindictive to anyone and anything. I get severe panic attacks that make me physically ill. To give you an example... I changed my direct deposits from our joint bank account into my own account. I threatened to call child protective services on Chris and tell them he was a pedophile so that he could never have visitation with his twelve year old daughter again. I threw a kitten. He's ok. I broke things in raging anger.
My parents left with my kids after driving two hours to get them late this afternoon. My son called them last week crying while I was fighting with Chris. He's sixteen and he's seen this behavior come out of me far too much over the years. In a moment of clarity I had Chris call them and ask them please to come and take them for a few days. I just need a break.
The mania is still running strong right now. I have had relief twice thanks to a dear compassionate friend who invited me over and smoked joint after joint of high quality meds with me. It calms me down like no other medication could even touch. Case in point, one of the visits was on fathers day. On the way home from our friends house I felt so awesome that I asked Chris to pull over so I could give him a *ahem* proper fathers day present. Yeah, it makes that much of a difference when I smoke. When I wasn't high anymore, the bitch was back.
I'll be back strong when I get some money and get some meds. My friend is coming over soon to help me start my own grow room downstairs and I am stoked. His plants are just starting to bud and as I stood there looking at it my mouth was watering because I know that some of that harvest is gonna be mine!!!!! And he has offered to help me from start to finish so I never, ever, ever, ever have to go without meds again. Thank you so much S. Get this... S...The guy I just met who is helping me...our fathers were delivered by the same country doctor in my lil hometown of less than 500 people two hours away. His dad was delivered on a kitchen table, my dad probably was too.
God has a great sense of humor.
Peace
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